You know you're at a Powhatan church softball game when...

You hear: "Come on, Houser, I couldn't hit that with a 6 foot two-by-four!" after a strikeout.

The first base umpire is an anemic looking 60-year old name Bruce who texts during the game and has the perceptive prowess of a wet carrot.

At least one player on each team is taking the game way too seriously. If you notice a player doing any of the following things, you've spotted yourself a "Softball Guy": (1) using a work-out band to warm up his arm so he can throw the ball 40 miles an hour underhand, (2) wearing a helmet at the plate, (3) tucking a towel into the back of his pants like he's playing quarterback at the University of Michigan, (4) shouting obscenities at amateur, volunteer umpires who are sacrificing their own time to put up with crappy softball and verbal abuse, (5) refusing to shake hands after a loss, (6) isolating himself from his teammates after a loss, getting in his car, weeping for a half hour, then beating the shit out of his wife after she asks how the game went.

A 10 year old and a 70 year old are playing on the same field.

The pitcher is wearing a helmet and a facemask.

Half of the team shows up drunk. Both halves get drunk afterward.

The pitcher smokes two cowboy killers between innings.

The pitcher's name is "Gravy."


more to come...